And Now?
by Zuzu's Petals
Summary: I thought this should be rated "M" for language.  Better safe than sorry!  Anyway, I don't think Tara was given much of a voice at the end of season 3.  This is one version of what she might have wanted to say and Jax's response.  Hope you enjoy!


"And Now?"

– a Jax/Tara 'ficlet'

(because they deserve as many fanfics as possible)

Disclaimer: I don't own Sons of Anarchy or any characters from that show. Wish I did!

Note: Actually, near the end of season 3 Tara did have a few things to say to Jax about…a few things.

Nurse Joan Nguyen was inwardly relieved because she liked Dr. Tara Knowles whom she considered someone between a kind acquaintance and a casual friend. She was also honored that she asked for Joan personally to perform the sonogram. It was a simple task but in this case a personal one. She was certainly one of the most down-to-earth doctors Joan had met and everyone had been so worried when she and Mrs Murphy had been missing. Joan glanced at Tara's solemn face turned toward the sonogram screen and at the man with her who did not look as relaxed. Nurse Joan hid her apprehension. It really wasn't any of her business but she'd seen Tara go through odd changes ever since the biker began showing up at the hospital for the last few months, ever since Dr. Knowles saved his infant son's life. And he wasn't just _any_ biker either. Although Joan was a commuter who didn't keep up with such things, she was peripherally aware of the underground element of Charming and this sandy-haired Adonis was well-known.

Joan smiled at them. "The baby is fine. The heartbeat is steady and strong."

Jax looked at the ultrasound screen in awe. Although he was not prone to whimsical thoughts lately, to him the figure in the image was searching for something and seemed alert to everything going on around him. In his gut Jax knew that Abel would soon have a brother. After a time Tara nodded at Joan and the nurse began to clean her before turning off the sonogram. Tara murmured, closing her tired eyes briefly before turning them towards the nurse again.

"Joan, may we have a moment?"

"Of course. Call me if you need me."

Jax stroked Tara's hair, filled with relief and cautious joy. "Our baby, Tara." He leaned down and kissed her. "I love you."

"I – love you too."

There was an awkward pause until she sat up gingerly and slowly placed her feet on the floor. She bit her lip, searching his face. "We haven't really had a chance to talk though."

He stepped closer, taking her hand in his, knowing what she meant – dreading what she meant but hiding it as best he could. "I know, baby. But you need to rest. Let me take you home."

Tara stood up and squeezed his fingers before turning away a step or two. Bracing her hands behind her neck for a slight stretch, she breathed in and out deeply, sighing into the heavy silence of the room. When she turned around, he was very close.

"Tara?"

The sight of him filled her up in some indefinable way as always. She felt like taking a few more deep breaths. She felt like avoiding the words she needed to say indefinitely.

"I do love you, Jax, so much. You just don't know. " She began slowly, shaking her head with a wry expression. "But the way you treated me – " she paused, her eyes clouding with remembered pain. "You _hurt_ me."

The loving concern on his face was mixed with regret and he bowed his head. "I know that_. _And I am so sorry. I just – I wanted you safe, away from me. Away from SAMCRO."

Tara folded her arms, turning away again, and Jax was starting to feel some uneasiness about her physical withdrawal and was almost startled when she pivoted quickly, staring full into his eyes. "You told me that _you and Abel _weren't my family – and that you were done with me. Then you walked away. Just like that."

"I was out of my head, baby." Jax moved in again, rubbing her tense arms until she hung them down at her sides. "I was not thinking straight and you know why. Please. I'm sorry for what I said. I didn't mean it. You _know _I didn't mean it."

Tara stepped back. "Were you trying to keep me safe – while you were out of your head, of course – when you f*cked that girl?"

Stunned, Jax blinked. Her stare was as cold as death and as steady as the heartbeat of their child, like she was looking right through his empty head. He rubbed his hands over his face, wanting nothing more than to dissolve through the floor at her feet. Jax was ashamed to admit that he'd hoped some silent act of forgiveness for his behavior would pass from her to him during the aftermath of the Salazar trauma and because of the baby. He was also ashamed that his shame wasn't as great as it should have been over f*cking Ima and then damn near shagging his own sister. Well, he'd be as honest as Abe about anything else but he'd give up his f*cking _cut_ before ever telling Tara about his 'near-mishap' with Trinity!

"You didn't deserve that. I'm not gonna stand here and pretend I have an excuse. I was a dick – plain and simple. But I swear nothing like that will ever happen again if we're together."

"That's just the thing, Jackson. Plain and simple, we _were_ together – because that was a bullsh*t break-up speech. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. Deep down, I knew you didn't blame me for Abel and I damn sure wasn't feeling 'safe,' so what was it really? I didn't know what the hell to think!" Tara heard her voice rise but she couldn't stop the flow of words. "You leave me and before the sun sets you stick it in a _porn slut_, of all things – and the very trick that got all in my face about you! Quite a coincidence, isn't it? Hope you wore a g*ddamn raincoat, Son of Anarchy!" she sneered bitterly. "Did you? Answer me! _Did you?"_

"Yes, Tara, I did! Calm down before you make yourself sick."

"You son of a bitch! _You_ make me sick!" Breathing fast and with a balled fist that seemed to have a mind of its own, she whirled away in order to resist the urge to strike him and to fight the bile rising in her throat. "And then when I caught your ass, you didn't have sh*t to say. You just lay there with a stupid look on your face. You rolled out of town without one g*ddamn word to me or one damn phone call the whole time you were away! No!" She slapped his hand away and pressed her own to her mouth trying to get her emotions under control just enough to be coherent. "Yes, okay, I'm happy you came to get me because that crazy motherf*cker was going to kill me and kill my baby. You came for me –!" At that point she burst into tears and Jax pulled her against him, wrapping his arms tightly around her, not caring if she decided to claw his flesh off. Tara clung to him and cried on his shoulder. She could feel tremors running through him but he said nothing. When she had quieted after they stood like that for a long time, she eased away from him, putting distance between them again – and Jax let her. She hiccupped, watching the conflicting emotions blaze in his eyes while he held himself back with an effort that obviously cost him. She'd never met a man as passionate as Jax Teller. And God help her, anger wasn't the only thing she was feeling right now and she fought that too. "Now that I'm pregnant," she began, her voice slightly hoarse, "you're smiling at me and telling me you love me – like nothing happened, like everything's alright. Well, everything's not alright. I won't – !" A wave of dizziness hit her. "You – I – I feel nauseous."

Jax helped her to the bathroom, holding her as she retched into the toilet after which he flushed it. "Do you want me to get the nurse? Do you need anything?" he asked in a flat voice.

When she shook her head, he wet a cloth and gently wiped her face after she rinsed her mouth thoroughly. He led her to a chair, where she sat down heavily, and got her a plastic cup of water from the bathroom. He would have gone out to the vending machine down the hallway and gotten her a bottle of spring water or a Ginger Ale, but he did not want to leave her even that long. He had f*cked up royally and all he knew was that he could not and would not lose Tara again. His jaw ticking, he stood broodingly over her as she drank and leaned her head back against the wall, closing her eyes with a long deep sigh when she finished. Jax's movements were jerky as he simultaneously took the cup away and pulled the other chair in the room close to hers. He sat and leaned towards her, resting his forearms on his knees. After a few moments Tara looked at him when he finally began to speak.

"I was a jackass and a fool. You don't have much of a reason to give me another chance with your heart. I know what I did to us, – but_ dammit_, I want and need you in my life, Tara. I'm not a good me without you." Jax cautiously took one of her hands between both of his, kneading it comfortingly. "Tell me what you need me to do to make this right. I want you. I can't let us go – not without a fight. And I will take it to the extreme for you."

Tara blinked. It was hard sometimes to look into Jax's face, so full now of devotion and determination, and _not_ want only to say sweet things and play in his soft beard and snuggle close and give him her body… _Tara, stay focused! This is important. _She slid her hand gently from his and although he tightened his grip momentarily, again he let her go.

"I don't want you to treat me like a child. Don't pretend something just to manipulate me into doing what you want me to do just because you think it's for my own good. You're not my father. You and I will make decisions that affect you and me - together. We'll be honest with each other and never lie. Do you agree?"

"Yes, I do."

Tara stared at Jax for a long moment. "Ima." Jax fidgeted and stared down between his legs. "And whomever else I don't want to know about," she added icily. She didn't speak further until he bravely locked eyes with her again. "Jax, I have to know in my heart that you're not going to do this again – push me away for whatever reason and then cheat on me – or cheat on me, period. I believe you love me but can you be faithful to me?" Tara stopped him from speaking by placing a finger on his mouth. "You've probably been with more women already than most men even dream of in a normal lifespan. You did say 'hundreds,' didn't you?" Jax fidgeted again and she waited. "Despite what you said about seeing my face with all of them, are you even able to stop sleeping with other women – even though you have the real thing right here? You need to be real honest with yourself before answering because I do not deserve and will not accept you cheating ever again _for any reason_ if I stay with you, make a home and raise babies with you, and deal with all your SAMCRO sh*t. This is the one way you can not break your bond with me if I have to deal with the threat of me and my children being kidnapped – or worse – by the enemies that your beloved SAMCRO keeps making. This is what you need to think about before you answer me and don't lie to yourself. Think about whatever sacrifices big or small you'd have to make to be with me – although I can't imagine any– " Tara gave Jax a slight smile which he returned. " –and think about how you'd feel if I f*cked Juice or Tig or one of these hot male doctors I work with every day." Jax's face turned to granite and an unholy gleam shone from it, giving a new meaning to the expression 'handsome as the devil.' Tara clucked her tongue softly. "Yeah, that's what I thought."

A moment later he was 'self-deprecating Jax' again and smiled crookedly at her. "Let me have these, will ya?" He took both of her hands this time and solemnly gazed into her eyes. "If you stayed in Charming ten years ago, I would have only been inside _you_ hundreds of times, and so happy and fulfilled that I wouldn't want to look left or right, only straight at you, Tara. I love you. I've always loved you. Even when we were just kids, it was real and true like we'd been married 50 years. And I don't think we were too young to make it work." He paused to swallow, feeling his emotional self blooming. "I wanted you more than my cut but when you left – I know it wasn't fair to think it but – when you left it felt like you didn't love me as much as I would have died for you. So my cut and I stayed. And ever since I've been empty inside where no one should be empty until a couple months ago – when my heart finally wandered back into Charming." He played with her fingers, looking down at them and huffing out a chuckle. "The thing is, I realized soon after you left that it was the right move, the best move for you. I wouldn't want to be responsible for you not becoming what you were meant to be – which was more than the woman lying beneath me in bed. I'm so proud of you. You're a surgeon, man! You saved my son and by coming back you saved me." He was getting lost in her eyes, locked in, unable to look away even to protect himself. "So I can answer that last question right here and now. I can and will be faithful to you because I want to be – because being without you is death for me and being with you is life. That's what I know in my heart. Tara, will you forgive me for hurting you? Can you trust me never to betray you?" He touched her abdomen. "Because I swear on the lives of my children I will never do it again. And I will always put the well-being and safety of our family – yours and mine – first, before SAMCRO or anything else."

Tara eyes filled with tears. Looking at him in wonder, she cupped his face in her hands and pulled him in for a gentle clinging kiss to reunite herself with her man. "I forgive you and I trust you – and _I love you_, Jackson Teller."

Suddenly she was dazzled by one of his signature megawatt smiles that simply brightened the whole world. Jax lovingly stroked her cheek. "I seriously need to work on my game if no matter what I say I make my old lady cry." Then all joking aside, he whispered, "Can I kiss you again, Doc?"

"You better," was her coy response as she played in his beard. "Then can we go home? It's been a long day and I'm tired. I need to rest up so that I can resume my position lying beneath you in bed – and then we can switch places – and then we can play...bed Twister."

Jax laughed out loud and kissed her like a man who loved a woman.


End file.
